IF IT'S SO HARD, WHY GO THERE?

Before we start, let me apologize for falling behind in our discussion. I've been tied up with getting our new book, Healing Waters, out there. It will be available December 9, by the way. Do forgive me for a couple of weeks of silence.

Speaking of forgiveness (notice the slick segue . . .) , we talked last time about why it's so dang hard to forgive ourselves. Having established that it's no wonder we have a tough time with that, it makes sense to move on to the question: why do it, then? If you're like most of us, you avoid the things that take more work than they seem to be worth. But that's just the point. It IS worth it. In fact, it's essential. Here's why:

Number One: God says you have to. Jesus said the second greatest commandment is to love your neighbor as yourself. Everything that applies to loving everybody else applies to you, too. Put that next to the part about forgiving your neighbor seventy times seven times -- in other words, as many times as the jerk sins against you -- and you're stuck with forgiving yourself every dang time you mess up. Every time.

Number Two: If you don't forgive yourself, God isn't going to forgive you. Jesus didn't pull any punches when he said if you don't forgive that pesky neighbor, you can't expect Him to forgive you. Remember that story about the guy who was let out of a huge debt (which would make most of us feel generous as heck) and then turned around and demanded payment out of somebody that owed him a measly few bucks? Yeah, there's no getting around that. And since you're your own neighbor . . .

Number Three: If Bible verses themselves don't convince you, look at the why that underlies those passages of Scripture. Did you think God just made that stuff up at random because He's God? There's a reason behind all of it, and the reason behind forgiveness is that if you don't let go of the stuff you've done - which may indeed be heinous -- it's going to eat you alive. Non-forgiveness of self leads to self-loathing which leads to hateful treatment of yourself. That can manifest itself in anything from obesity to anorexia, from the kind of rage that ruins relationships to the inability to form them in the first place. Holy crow, the list of possible ramifications is endless. The way to begin to be released from them is limited to one -- stop beating yourself up, accept the fact that you've sinned, perhaps grievously, and take whatever steps to make amends so you can move on

Number Four: Think about what the Bible doesn't say. There is no verse that tells you to hold onto every misdeed you've ever committed until you hate being inside your own skin with all that garbage. Nor is there a passage that says no matter how many times you take it to God you still have to drag it into around until it weighs you down so much you can't even move.

As Porphyria has often asked me, if you don't forgive your own sin, Sully, what ARE going to do with it? Like matter, it can't be created or destroyed. It can only be turned into something else. Don't let it turn into a memory that discolors your life.

How do you do that, you ask? That's our topic for next time. In the meantime, feel free to post a comment, a question, a concern. Just remember:

* this is not a substitute for therapy
* you can feel free to comment privately by email, nnrue@hughes.net

Blessing that heart of yours,

Sullivan Crisp

WHY IS IT SO DANG HARD?

As we continue to explore this self-forgiveness thing, I think we need to talk about why it's so dang hard to grant ourselves the same grace we give everyone else on a daily basis. If you're a parent, hourly. If you're married, by the minute. You get the idea. I've always believed that half the battle in changing something is in finding out why the thing is there in the first place. I've come up with a couple of reasons we can toss around.

* Somebody in our past -- mother, misguided pastor, great-aunt who was baptized in vinegar -- convinced us it was dangerous to let any misdeed slip out of memory, and made dang sure it didn't.

* Over the years guilt has become as constant and reliable a companion as your cocker spaniel. Except that it bites. Over and over

* We get confused about what forgiveness really means and buy into the myth that forgiving is the same as forgetting. That it means we shouldn't have to suffer the worldly consequences for this thing we've done. That it means we're letting ourselves off some hook we're supposed to be hanging on.

You may have your own reasons. I'd love to hear them. Getting them out there where you can laugh at them and buzz them (for those of you familiar with Game Show Theology; if not, read Healing Stones) and see them for what they are -- Toxic Theology. Because whatever reasons we come up with for why we can't forgive ourselves -- they're all wrong. Just promise me you won't feel guilty about them.

We'll talk more later this week about why we have to forgive ourselves and how we can make a start in doing it. As always:

*this is not a substitute for therapy
* feel free to comment privately.

Blessing that heart of yours,

Sullivan Crisp