IF IT'S SO HARD, WHY GO THERE?

Before we start, let me apologize for falling behind in our discussion. I've been tied up with getting our new book, Healing Waters, out there. It will be available December 9, by the way. Do forgive me for a couple of weeks of silence.

Speaking of forgiveness (notice the slick segue . . .) , we talked last time about why it's so dang hard to forgive ourselves. Having established that it's no wonder we have a tough time with that, it makes sense to move on to the question: why do it, then? If you're like most of us, you avoid the things that take more work than they seem to be worth. But that's just the point. It IS worth it. In fact, it's essential. Here's why:

Number One: God says you have to. Jesus said the second greatest commandment is to love your neighbor as yourself. Everything that applies to loving everybody else applies to you, too. Put that next to the part about forgiving your neighbor seventy times seven times -- in other words, as many times as the jerk sins against you -- and you're stuck with forgiving yourself every dang time you mess up. Every time.

Number Two: If you don't forgive yourself, God isn't going to forgive you. Jesus didn't pull any punches when he said if you don't forgive that pesky neighbor, you can't expect Him to forgive you. Remember that story about the guy who was let out of a huge debt (which would make most of us feel generous as heck) and then turned around and demanded payment out of somebody that owed him a measly few bucks? Yeah, there's no getting around that. And since you're your own neighbor . . .

Number Three: If Bible verses themselves don't convince you, look at the why that underlies those passages of Scripture. Did you think God just made that stuff up at random because He's God? There's a reason behind all of it, and the reason behind forgiveness is that if you don't let go of the stuff you've done - which may indeed be heinous -- it's going to eat you alive. Non-forgiveness of self leads to self-loathing which leads to hateful treatment of yourself. That can manifest itself in anything from obesity to anorexia, from the kind of rage that ruins relationships to the inability to form them in the first place. Holy crow, the list of possible ramifications is endless. The way to begin to be released from them is limited to one -- stop beating yourself up, accept the fact that you've sinned, perhaps grievously, and take whatever steps to make amends so you can move on

Number Four: Think about what the Bible doesn't say. There is no verse that tells you to hold onto every misdeed you've ever committed until you hate being inside your own skin with all that garbage. Nor is there a passage that says no matter how many times you take it to God you still have to drag it into around until it weighs you down so much you can't even move.

As Porphyria has often asked me, if you don't forgive your own sin, Sully, what ARE going to do with it? Like matter, it can't be created or destroyed. It can only be turned into something else. Don't let it turn into a memory that discolors your life.

How do you do that, you ask? That's our topic for next time. In the meantime, feel free to post a comment, a question, a concern. Just remember:

* this is not a substitute for therapy
* you can feel free to comment privately by email, nnrue@hughes.net

Blessing that heart of yours,

Sullivan Crisp

WHY IS IT SO DANG HARD?

As we continue to explore this self-forgiveness thing, I think we need to talk about why it's so dang hard to grant ourselves the same grace we give everyone else on a daily basis. If you're a parent, hourly. If you're married, by the minute. You get the idea. I've always believed that half the battle in changing something is in finding out why the thing is there in the first place. I've come up with a couple of reasons we can toss around.

* Somebody in our past -- mother, misguided pastor, great-aunt who was baptized in vinegar -- convinced us it was dangerous to let any misdeed slip out of memory, and made dang sure it didn't.

* Over the years guilt has become as constant and reliable a companion as your cocker spaniel. Except that it bites. Over and over

* We get confused about what forgiveness really means and buy into the myth that forgiving is the same as forgetting. That it means we shouldn't have to suffer the worldly consequences for this thing we've done. That it means we're letting ourselves off some hook we're supposed to be hanging on.

You may have your own reasons. I'd love to hear them. Getting them out there where you can laugh at them and buzz them (for those of you familiar with Game Show Theology; if not, read Healing Stones) and see them for what they are -- Toxic Theology. Because whatever reasons we come up with for why we can't forgive ourselves -- they're all wrong. Just promise me you won't feel guilty about them.

We'll talk more later this week about why we have to forgive ourselves and how we can make a start in doing it. As always:

*this is not a substitute for therapy
* feel free to comment privately.

Blessing that heart of yours,

Sullivan Crisp

BACKTO HEALING STONES

Even with Healing Waters about to be released in December, we're still getting a lot of mail about Healing Stones, our novel about forgiveness -- or the lack of it. The topic seems to strike more nerves than a shock therapy treatment. I'd just like to coax one of those many nerves out for nurturing today -- and that's the issue of forgiving ourselves. Let me start out by saying that I, Sullivan Crisp, am more than qualified to ask the question, "How do your forgive yourself?' because I'm still working on it. Seriously. I sit down. I pray. I give up all the guilt and the angst and the regret and the agonized searches into the past -- just turn it all over to God. And then I'm good for, oh, ten minutes, twenty max, before some tendril of remorse starts to irritate me like a hair in my eye. I don't think I'm alone in that. We can hold out the olive branch to everyone else, but when it comes to ourselves, we only bring it close enough to grab the ocacsional leaf off of the thing. Over the next week, I'd like to explore this elusive thing called self-forgiveness -- why it's hard, why we have to do it, and how we can. Because I think the stones we throw at ourselves are the ones that hit the hardest, and leave the deepest bruises. I hope you'll explore with me.

As always:

* This is not a substitute for professional therapy.

* You can always comment privately.

Blessing that heart of yours,

Sullivan Crisp

HEALING WATERS

I thought you'd like a sneak preview of the next novel I appear in, entitled Healing Waters. This is where we tackle the issue of what we bury alive. Yes, the protagonist, Lucia Brocacini Coffey (not to be confused with something you would order at StarBucks) is overweight, so she is literally feeding her past and her pain. But you don't have to try to keep it quiet with food. Or with any of the other obvious choices -- overuse of alcohol, abuse of prescription drugs, compulsive shopping (which is not at all the same as healthy retail therapy, I've been told.) There are other attempts to keep the old issues at bay which may not on the surface seem all that bad. Society even accepts workaholism, perfectionism, and overloaded schedules as part of normal twenty-first century living. Even serial relationships, or no relationships beyond MySpace "friends" have merely become a part of the fabric of Americana. But here's the deal: don't buy it. If we're using something -- anything -- in excess purely to keep ourselves from feeling or confronting or ripping someone's eyebrows out, that's a problem. I know. I tried it myself. My addiction, which you know if you've read Healing Stones, was saving the world, one psyche at a time. Not a bad thing if it's really souls you're concerned about, and not just the avoidance of your own grief. I paid dearly for thirteen years of stuffing myself with working and serving and saving. I hate to see that happen to anybody. So, hey, think about it. Share if you want to. There will be no buzzing. Only ding-ding-dings. As always:

* This is not a substitute for professional therapy
* You can share privately if you want.

Looking forward to learning from you.

I'M BACK!

I know it's been a while since I've shown up, but I'm committed to being here for you at least twice a week from now on. Seriously. If not more. Because here's the deal: we're getting more and more email saying people need healing for the tough journeys. One reader said to us, "I've accumulated nearly ten years of psychotherapy in my life (Christian and non) and none of it was that good. It was all either confrontational and harsh, or irrelevant and useless. I wonder if there really is therapy out there like that, or if it only exists in Utopian fiction." We're not about offering you therapy here, but I'd like to put some topics and questions out there for you to think about, and offer my own thoughts which I guarantee won't be confrontational and harsh, or, hopefully, irrelevant and useless. I'll start -- then you feel free to jump in with questions and concerns -- and "Crisp, you are a nut bar," if that's what comes to you. Any time you want a more private conversation, just request that by posting a comment.

So let's get started. Healing Waters, my next book, is centered around this premise. "Whatever you bury emotionally, you bury alive, and you have to feed it." Any comments?

Finally Figured Out My Password

Well, I have tried to blog several time and then when I got to my password entry I could not figure it out.  And that was even on my ADD medication.  It was like I picked door number 3 but it would not open. Bummer.  I am loving the feedback on the book Nancy and Steve wrote about me.  To hear that people are just helped by my story is so wonderful.  They are doing another part of my life in the next book Healing Waters.  It is a case of role reversal and all the editors love it. So once again I am thrilled that my work could help others.

Some of you have wondered how Prophyria is doing and I wanted you to know that she is not feeling all that well.  So I am praying for this amazing gift to the world.  

Anyway, if you want to ask anything, I will do my best to give you my best on it.

Pray for me, I am kind of attracted to this lady and it just might become something more than a friendship.

Best,

Sully

Welcome To Healing Choices With Sullivan Crisp

Ding, Ding, Ding; you found me.  Thanks for looking.  I really want to help you if I can. If you have a comment about the book, Healing Stones, that tells my story and the stories of those I have worked with, you can post it right here.  In addition, if you have a question I could answer for you, I would be glad to try to help you.  Now I am a bit busy because Nancy and Steve have me helping them with their newest book, Healing Waters, that continues my story, but I will give you the best answer I have as soon as I can.

On a final note, if you feel like you are playing Wheel of Fortune and every spin hits on Bankrupt, don't give up.  Just around the corner or over the next hill you will find what you have been looking for, solve the puzzle and maybe even win the trip to Hawaii.

Make A Healing Choice Today,

Sullivan Crisp